is this ridiculous?

calling this a record of a life when it is not much of a record, unless, of course, it is a record of not much of a life... it may be a life lived elsewhere in space and time as the words recording thoughts and feelings and events and more does continue daily and more often and the babbling fool leaves so many loose ends and dangling participles and lost people in the wake of words that the point may be lost on everyone, perhaps, like those linked here, i retired to my madhouse and dismissed recording it or much of anything without even noticing... is this noticing?...

there is work that fills most of the awake time, a 24/7/365 gig taking care of others through many other people who take care of others... it is work i love in spite of the challenges of trying to keep a hundred people happy and motivated when the majority earn $10 an hour physically taking care of people who can do almost nothing for themselves... the responsibilities leave little time for anything else, but still i enjoy life away from work as much as possible...

there is softball at least a few times a week... schedules and leagues change throughout the year, these days i play monday and friday evenings and practice on the weekends (the sunday season just ended)... dangerous as i risk an 80-100 mile per hour four inch round rock hitting me from under fifty feet away every time i pitch, but it is the position i play and enjoy best (perhaps it is the control freak in me, or dare-devil, or aderenaline junkie, or perhaps it us a savior/martyr thing, feel free to engage in analysis if you wish to come closer and get to know me in thereal world)... win some, lose some, can't get enough of playing the game...

other evenings i relax at home, sometimes alone, sometimes with my roommate of many years (though she works even more hours than i do these days to pay bills and dig out of debt and to keep from incurring more - or borrowing more from me... taking care of others has drained me financially in this life, a couple of times to the point of destitution, but it's the giving and caring for others that i love so much, if you recall)... i do not socialize with other friends much these days, conserving energy and licking wounds and as i said, whatever...

and then there are words, my love affair with words is well documented elsewhere and though i do not read much these days as reading leads to sleep when i am fatigued and i am fatigued most evenings after work and softball, i continue to write as if someone waited for my next letter with baited breath (do i?)... if i slept healthy hours i'd have very little time for anything other than work and softball, but i find myself dancing through my mind after brief naps and come to these internet boxes and type as i am doing now most nights... most nights, i can relate to this...

and that is a record of a life as i know it in this moment... i don't know if i would come here to record life daily if there was any interest beyond my own, but somehow i find myself here tonight for what it's worth... the dream of sharing myself and someone else and life still lives and breathes somewhere inside, even if i stay too busy to remember most of the time... better than being lonely or depressed over unfulfilled desires... or something like that...

are you there?...