beyond ridiculous is forgiveness

it's all about removing judgment, really, and understanding that time is relative and this is not a daily or concrete record of a life, rather, it is a relatively abstract record of a life... and what is a life, anyway?... and does it matter if we agree on answers?... only for communicating, so when communicating starts, we can start defining words in more detail... until then, this is what it is... and what brings me here tonight is a flurry of entries real reminder of the way into me and my heart and out of the blue which was inspired, for better or worse, but the black and blue results of getting beat up in life again... it is sad... for the record, this has been a sad week that is following a much sadder month and i obviously let the energy drop, sadness grow, and apathy expand too far...

and what sort of record is this when i am not actually recording what happened?...

last month we terminated the dog... this month the job terminated me... i'm the lucky one, my termination was just income and work... the dog, he's gone... it was his time, alas, and we could have justified doing it last year, actually, but we nursed him as long as he could smile and show he was enjoying life... as for me, losing happiness (the blog name for our dog) was a large part of the downward spiral that ended in losing my job, but the dip in life force has been tripping me up for a couple of years and the hole is getting deeper... yeah, for the record, depression swings it's heavy hand at me now and then and sometimes, it connects quite well...

and still, the overall level of joy is quite giddy most of the time... we can attribute that to the irreverent perspective of relativity i bring to most every experience in this life... and the understanding of the temporary nature of this life helps a lot... but then, there are plenty of other blogs that give deeper insights and creative expressions of me and life and the universe and everything so before this simple record of a life fails in it's initial intended purpose, let's just say bye bye happiness, income, and a little more time... and thank goodness for softball which is going quite well this season... and for jackson, so i am not completely alone in time and space...

so for the record, my happiness still rises above my sadness and while life is challenging, it is also much fun... and for the record, i need a new income so if anybody is reading and knows about a job in the Orlando, Florida area, please pass the information along... online resume here...

thanks...

is this ridiculous?

calling this a record of a life when it is not much of a record, unless, of course, it is a record of not much of a life... it may be a life lived elsewhere in space and time as the words recording thoughts and feelings and events and more does continue daily and more often and the babbling fool leaves so many loose ends and dangling participles and lost people in the wake of words that the point may be lost on everyone, perhaps, like those linked here, i retired to my madhouse and dismissed recording it or much of anything without even noticing... is this noticing?...

there is work that fills most of the awake time, a 24/7/365 gig taking care of others through many other people who take care of others... it is work i love in spite of the challenges of trying to keep a hundred people happy and motivated when the majority earn $10 an hour physically taking care of people who can do almost nothing for themselves... the responsibilities leave little time for anything else, but still i enjoy life away from work as much as possible...

there is softball at least a few times a week... schedules and leagues change throughout the year, these days i play monday and friday evenings and practice on the weekends (the sunday season just ended)... dangerous as i risk an 80-100 mile per hour four inch round rock hitting me from under fifty feet away every time i pitch, but it is the position i play and enjoy best (perhaps it is the control freak in me, or dare-devil, or aderenaline junkie, or perhaps it us a savior/martyr thing, feel free to engage in analysis if you wish to come closer and get to know me in thereal world)... win some, lose some, can't get enough of playing the game...

other evenings i relax at home, sometimes alone, sometimes with my roommate of many years (though she works even more hours than i do these days to pay bills and dig out of debt and to keep from incurring more - or borrowing more from me... taking care of others has drained me financially in this life, a couple of times to the point of destitution, but it's the giving and caring for others that i love so much, if you recall)... i do not socialize with other friends much these days, conserving energy and licking wounds and as i said, whatever...

and then there are words, my love affair with words is well documented elsewhere and though i do not read much these days as reading leads to sleep when i am fatigued and i am fatigued most evenings after work and softball, i continue to write as if someone waited for my next letter with baited breath (do i?)... if i slept healthy hours i'd have very little time for anything other than work and softball, but i find myself dancing through my mind after brief naps and come to these internet boxes and type as i am doing now most nights... most nights, i can relate to this...

and that is a record of a life as i know it in this moment... i don't know if i would come here to record life daily if there was any interest beyond my own, but somehow i find myself here tonight for what it's worth... the dream of sharing myself and someone else and life still lives and breathes somewhere inside, even if i stay too busy to remember most of the time... better than being lonely or depressed over unfulfilled desires... or something like that...

are you there?...